July 16, 2011, New York: In a secret email sent to our secret email id, ULFA chief (as yet unnamed) has revealed to us the shocking news that they have recruited Mr. Micheal Scoffield, a structural engineer who is known all over the world for his prison breaking abilities. Mr. Scoffield has till date broken into three high security prisons all over the world. His last attempt at breaking a prison did not go well with him, and he suffered a mild electric shock which had forced him into hiding in the underground sewage systems of New York. However, brilliant detective, Jasoos Vijay who was another recent ULFA recruit has managed to track him down, and has convinced Mr. Scoffield to come work for ULFA. Sources close to us reveal that the massive amount to HIV-AIDS related pep talk given by Jasoos Vijay may have had something to do with it, but we are as of now not entirely sure about it.
We caught up with renowned educationist and a worldwide expert on the comings and goings of ULFA, Dr. Bhimbika Koldilia. Dr. Koldilia was of the opinion that this move by the ULFA is a direct blow to the state government’s attempts at peace talks, as she believes that the reason behind the recruitment of Mr. Scoffield is nothing other than the escape plans of several of the banned outfit’s leaders. She further was of the opinion that nobody was in a better position than Mr. Scoffield to break into the various prisons located in and around Assam, Bangladesh and Bhutan as they have recently been upgraded with various state of the art painting of the recently deceased M. F. Hussain.
While we tried our level best to get in touch with Mr. Scoffield who was also for sometime a hit TV star in the series “Prison Break”, but he remains as elusive as ever. However, our team had managed to track down his brother Lincoln Burroughs, who said that he was very happy for Micheal and wished him all the luck, and also he was relieved that Micheal is alive, so now he can safely kill a few men and get locked up again, now that Micheal is back to rescue him. When we asked about the possibility of his joining ULFA, Lincoln said that it wasn’t something that he hasn’t thought about. But he said he preferred the calm and quiet activities of Panama City, where he is currently based.
It now remains to see how the ULFA will use Mr. Scoffield and his amazing talents to their usefulness. Several renowned journalists are of the opinion that this may be some cheap publicity trick by Mr. Scoffield to come to the forefront of the world media. But, we for sure can’t wait to see what happens. When we asked Mr. Atanu (Auto-know) Bhuyan what he thought about this move, he said and we quote “Only time will tell.” Perhaps Mr. Bhuyan is for once busy reading an English novel for a change, and could produce nothing else, other than the title of the book. We wish him all the best from us as usual. However, one thing is for sure, the various 'Mamas', 'Khuras', and possibly 'Pehas' in various places would be thrilled by this news.